It has taken a really long time for me to be able to admit that. I used to blame my dour moods on everything else in the world -- fatigue, hunger, PMS, you name it. And while those things definitely have an effect (especially PMS), the truth of the matter is that sometimes I just feel at a loss to cope with my life. That doesn't make any sense on the surface; I've got a great husband, two amazing children, and a host of wonderful extended family. I've got a comfortable home, a good job, and I don't have to wonder where my next meal will come from. But in spite of the incredibly blessed life that I lead, I often feel overwhelmed, sad, and angry for no good reason. It got really bad after Ellen was born; something about the hormones, I'm sure. And don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal. I don't cut myself or take drugs or bury my sorrows in the bottom of a booze bottle. I just find myself listless, fatigued, sleepy, and unmotivated. I take one look at my filthy house and feel paralyzed. I snap at my husband. I binge eat. I spend hours online doing NOTHING. And then I see myself doing all these things and I just get more depressed.
I really have no idea why I'm posting all this on a public blog where any and everybody can read it, except that maybe it feels kind of therapeutic to just talk about it with no reservation. Maybe by just coming right out and saying it, I'll be able to address it more effectively. Or maybe I'll get all embarassed and delete this post tomorrow. Either way, it feels pretty good to admit this to myself and everyone else, instead of treating it like a shameful secret.
3 comments:
Wow, I never knew you were suffering from this. Why is it that if a person has diabetes, for instance, we think nothing of them admitting their sickness and being treated for it. We would think of it as insanity to do otherwise. Yet, with depression or bi-polarism or anything else that could be thought of as "mental" (even though it is caused from chemicals being out of whack) we feel the need to hide it. I have heard so many people who take their meds for a while, then think that they are "doing so much better" they can stop. I hope that you don't delete this blog entry. Maybe someone will stumble on this and see that they are not the only one feeling this way. Like you said, you have everything to be happy over. So with you it is not a case of things aren't going your way so you want to whine about it. I hope that you can talk to your doctor and get help. I would hate to think of you suffering if something could be done.
Thanks, Kelli. I have been taking medication for a little over a year now, and it really does make a big difference! It was EXTREMELY difficult to break down and accept the need for the meds though. After about three days on them I recall telling Anthony "Wow, I had forgotten what normal feels like." Even with medications, some days are better than others; like I said in my post, my symptoms are closely related to "that time of the month", so I know that a lot of my problems are hormonal. It started after Sam was born and kind of peaked when Ellen was about six months old. It still feels like a weakness to say that I have a hard time coping, which is why I posted here. You are right, there shouldn't be such a stigma attached to it.
Hey Valerie,
I ran across your blog on facebook, and I can completely relate to this post. I mainly suffer from anxiety, but depression does go along with it. I am also on medication. Sometimes I write about it on my blog... www.mysocalledbloglife.com.
I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel, and I'll be praying for you. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
Take care,
Debra Thomas Graybeal
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